My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
