You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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