oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
