i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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