Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Randomize
