What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
