If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
