There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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