rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
