he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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