he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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