I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
