Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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