I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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