I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Randomize
