If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
