I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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