my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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