Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
