Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
