I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
