Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
