She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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