i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
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