i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
