My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
