I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
