and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
