News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
