my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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