I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
