I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
