I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Randomize
