He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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