lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
