theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
