I am spending my child support on dildos
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
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