The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
