i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Randomize
