remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
