I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
