i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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