Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
