I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
