I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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