He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
When did angry sex become our thing?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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