Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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