My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
barbara walters just said penis...
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
