I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
