I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
