i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
