i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
