I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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