Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Drunk walkin through police station. America
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
