I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
