Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
