I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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