Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
