one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
