i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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