I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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