she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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