Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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