so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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