at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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