ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
