the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
