I heard we made out
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
