One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
