Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
did i walk over a car last night?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Randomize
