its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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